Well today was the day I have been dreading since the day Lily was born — the day daddy went back to work and Lily and I are alone all day.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am perfectly capable and ready to take care of this little girl! In fact, the more I get to know her, the easier she gets. She naps pretty much all afternoon and even when she is awake she just cruises in her bassinet, boppy with me or on the activity mat. She eats about every 2 hours on the dot and usually needs changed immediately after. She is a really easy baby so far — knock on wood!
So why do I cry hysterically every time I think about Kevin being back to work? Even as I write this I get teary-eyed that he isn’t here and he will be home in about 45 minutes! The day is almost over!
I know yesterday for me it was losing my morning nap. I know that sounds so incredibly selfish, but until last night we were sleeping in the living room, Lily sleeping in the boppy pretty much all night because I would fall asleep feeding her. This meant that I would either instantly know when she was awake and needed fed, or she was still snuggled up against me and just went back at it herself and I slept through it (although I think it was the first more often than the later.) Around 7:30 every morning Kevin would awake from his blissful eight- hour sleep and take over. He would play with Lily, hold her, change her, have her in the swing etc. and I would roll over and get a deep sleep until about 10:3o when I would wake to feed her. I lived for these naps and I was terrified I would be a zombie without them!!! Last night we moved upstairs and Lily moved into the bassinet. That enough was a challenge to me and she struggled a little at first, but I was terrified of the morning after Kevin left.
Turns out, Lily also sleeps during this time and we were able to get my morning nap together (her in her bassinet of course) with no problems. In fact, I think I actually woke her up around 11 because I was convinced she wasn’t breathing right (she was absolutely fine) and I was sure she was starving (again, she was fine but did eat as soon as she got up!)
I wonder how long it will take me to get over these fears that she will die in her sleep, in her bassinet, that a cat will sit on her even though we have locked them out of our room and they are not allowed anywhere near her or that our dog will die of depression because we had a baby. Yeah… hoping these hormones leave me alone soon because sometimes I can’t even stand myself sometimes! Poor Kevin!
Another reason I think I get all weepy is because I am so afraid Kevin will miss something important and I feel bad for that. I know that nothing major is happening in her first few weeks and honestly there will be a good chance I will miss something when I go back to work too, but my hormones are crazy and that is my next fear apparently. Ugh… this is the stuff they definitely don’t warn you about in the baby books… the weepy, crazy you that is not baby blues or ppd, but instead just crazy hormones!
The only thing I was unable to do today was shower as I am still nervous about showering with no one else in the house — both for my sake and hers. Looks like that will be my goal for tomorrow!